HOLF Players' Guild Forum

To Arms!! France Is Surrounded By Bad Cooks

Have all the bad cooks in the world allied to attack France? Is it because they are jealous of our cuisine? Probably.

The Prussians and the Dutch have signed treaties with the Rosbifs. Why? It certainly is not to exchange recipes since all three of these counties cook dishes that a Frenchman would not serve to his dog.

Prussian cuisine is heavy and thick. The Prussian have to be a robust people in order to digest all their specialities. Basic ingredients of Prussian cuisine include: cream, smoked fatback and any other fat they can find. Liver sausage and tripe are considered delicacies. Fish is an essential element of the menu, it is eaten several times a week, especially on Fridays. One of the specialities is something called bulltrout, caught in Mikołajki, or in the lake Dąbrowa, served smoked and warm. Eel is also among Prussia’s most favorite dishes. As for vegetables, Prussians eat a lot of potatoes. Their favorite is fried dumplings served with finely chopped smoked fatback. Doesn’t this look like something you’d feed to your dog?
Prussian Swill
Dutch food is boiled to death and full of starch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4cGROw2amM
Hold your nose and try some Boerenkoolstamppot, curly kale mixed with potatoes, served with gravy, mustard, and rookworst sausage. Yuck
This dish became popular after a few bad corn-seasons. You should have seen what they used to do to corn! The Dutch have a lot going for them, but sadly, food isn't one of them. Have you ever tasted raw herring with pickles? Or eaten a croquette from Febo (it's basically the deep-fried innards of a meat pie)?

Which brings us to the British. The French slang for the British is Rosbifs. It's a not-too-subtle slam at their cuisine. Simply put, they are the worst cooks in the world. Vegetables boiled beyond recognition. Fish & Chips soaked in rancid oil. Meats cooked far beyond well-done – tripe, liver, rabbit and pigs' trotters - can you say Haggis? One of the worst British inventions has got to be salad cream. It is supposed to be a salad dressing of sorts but it is more like yellow ketchup with a sour vinegary flavour.

This tastes a lot worse than it looks
English cuisine is historically bad in its cities because England urbanized too fast without good transport and good food storage - hence corned beef, pickled everything, and mushy tinned peas. After that it was simply a matter of lack-of-demand creating lack-of-supply. The Rosbifs have no taste buds. When your national dish is faux Indian, you know your own creations must be pretty rank. The Scots don't help things in this department, what with their penchant for finding decent food and, "Och Jimmy, let's batter it and throw it in the wee deep fryer." Deep-fried candy, deep-fried pasta - even deep-fried breakfast sausages.

Arise Europe!! Ally with France. Your stomachs will thank you.