Le Moniteur Universel No. 3 - Swiss Pacifists Protest
November 25, 2009 - 6:10pm — Bob Bohanan
- Swiss Pacifists Protest Wargames
- While on vacation, members of the Swiss pacifist sect the Schwarzenau Brethren recently wandered into the French Alps by mistake. Horrified by the military maneuvers they saw, a few of their party hurried back to report their findings to the Swiss authorities while the rest engaged in disruptive protests. There are confirmed reports of sit-ins, dunkings, self-emmolations, and criminal graffiti by the sect. The French military has forcibly transported the trespassers back to Swiss territory. However, the Brethern’s leader, Bodhisattva Widmar, has been detained for questioning in the recent murder of French journalist Jean-Paul Marat. Widmar is reportedly the brother of Swiss leader Albrecht Widmar who has been linked to Marat’s murder. France has been distrubed by mass demonstations thoughout the country since Marat’s death. The voice of the French people has risen as one demanding Widmar’s head. So far, the French government has been slow to respond to this massive public outcry.
- Today, the government sent a note to the Swiss explaining the presence of the 47 units of French infantry, artillery and cavalry massed on the Swiss border. Minister of War Louis Alexandre Berthier purportedly said that, “the manuevers are simply a long-scheduled wargame in which the French military will practice mountain-warfare.” When asked why the French army should want to practice mountain warfare, Berthier responded, “Well, in case we are ever attacked by a small, mountainous country, of course.” Berthier refused further comment on the mounting crisis with Switzerland or on the whereabouts of the Schwarzenau Brethren leader. Details of the Schwarzenau Brethren’s further activities may be found here: http://nexus404.com/Blog/2009/11/24/swiss-find-that-gamers-commit-war-cr...
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New Swiss Weapon Seduces French Troops
French troops, newly moved to the Swiss border, are veteran units who have trained for years in the region. Oblivious to the sounds of cow bells and the pitiful bleating of the long-eylashed sheep the Swiss shepherds keep in their secluded mountainside huts, the sound of the Alpenhorn always makes the men feel like they have a sore throat.
AlpenWhore
It now seems the crafty Swiss have deployed new weapons in their strategic passes.
Wherever French forces are encamped, the Swiss have placed "ALPENWHORES" who advertise their
special skills, high above on the mountainsides. They are said to have lips that can crack walnuts.
French forces are expected to recruit a Corps of fashion designers who will rudely comment on the dress of the ALPENWHORES and leave them in tears.
Otto von Baden
Seiner Durchlaucht Markgraf von Baden-Durlach
Rat der Fürsten des Heiligen Römischen Reiches
Minister für auswärtige Angelegenheiten des Heiligen Römischen Reiches
Flottillenadmiral